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Kids were in tears: visitors complain of Santa ‘shambles’ at Hampshire grotto”. So goes one headline this week though, in truth, it could have been written in any December of any year. For ’tis the season – not, it transpires, to be jolly, but to be disappointed by chronically lacklustre Christmas “experiences” up and down the nation.
At this latest iteration of a hastily thrown-together Santa’s pad, hosted by the Great Hall in Winchester, it was the fat man himself who prompted parents’ wrath and children’s weeping. St Nicholas was accused of not only having a “blatantly fake beard” and “cheap red suit”, but of even lacking the good-time persona that you’d assume was a prerequisite for the job. “He wasn’t very talkative at all – he didn’t seem very jovial,” complained hacked-off father-of-three Matthew Fernandez. “It ruined the experience.”
Several parents described the grotto as a “shambles” and called for it to be closed down; one alleged that a monosyllabic Santa provided “no hohoho, no merry Christmas, nothing”.
The backlash provoked such a furore that the Great Hall was forced to address the accusations, refuting suggestions that the event had been “mis-sold” but offering a full refund to anyone who was yet to visit. “This year’s Santa experience is brand new and does offer some great new additions which expand the offer. At no point have we suggested that this year’s experience was the same as that delivered by the previous operator,” reads a statement.
Though I sympathise with the bawling offspring and their beleaguered caregivers forced to shell out £18.50 per child for a thoroughly uninspiring day out, I do have to wonder at Brits’ perennially misplaced optimism. At this stage – after this many identikit stories year after year – shouldn’t we just admit that the UK doesn’t, well, excel when it comes to Christmas events? Can’t we simply accept that we’re more likely than not going to feel let down and pay through the nose for the privilege?
A prime example of the festive anticlimax comes courtesy of Winter Wonderland, London’s annual hate-inducing venue in Hyde Park. Kicking off in November and running until early January, it’s become synonymous with tourist trap prices, Bavarian-themed tat and vibes best characterised as “basic”, plus the kind of ungodly queues usually associated with music festivals. Entry costs up to £7.50 for a peak ticket; once inside, visitors can look forward to paying a premium for absolutely everything. Think £22 for a rack of ribs; £11 for churros; £9 for a Bratwurst; £7.75 for a pint. The rides, which are definitely more funfair than theme park, also don’t come cheap, with the Looping Coaster priced at £11 a pop and the giant wheel at £8 per go-around. Blink and, before you know it, you’ve flushed fifty quid.
Every year, social media fills up with complaints of “£10 for cheesy chips!” from outraged patrons. Every year, people keep rocking up and hoping for the best.
When they reached the North Pole, her nine-year-old queried ‘why all the buildings had holes in them’
But it’s the events specifically aimed at children that often trigger the greatest sense of disillusionment. Unfortunately, parents wanting to provide little ones with a “magical” experience they’ll never forget are some of the easiest marks, willing to plough huge amounts of cash into yuletide memory-making. Want to clean up with minimal input or effort? There’s arguably no better get-rich-quick scheme than scattering some cotton-wool “snow”, bulk buying the glitter, throwing on a highly flammable red suit and charging a small fortune on the door.
A friend of mine has been burned more than once by the desire to see her adorable offsprings’ faces light up with delight as they meet the “real” Father Christmas in his workshop. Last year’s outing saw the family transported around a shopping centre carpark by golf buggy, inexplicably encouraged to take photos of cardboard cut-out elves. It was, of course, pouring with rain. It was, of course, strictly verboten to take their own pictures when the kids were introduced to Santa. Parents were instead forced to pay an exorbitant amount for the “official” shots, taken on what appeared to be a CCTV camera.
This year they opted for driving an hour and a half to have a go on the Polar Express (TM), a festive franchise loosely based on the Tom Hanks animated film, where an immersive adventure takes place aboard a train. They had, in fairness, gone the week before the attraction’s official opening to experience the dress rehearsal, swerving the jaw-dropping £200 fee for a family of four in the process. Still, my friend was a little taken aback at the undeniably shonky aesthetic: the northern lights consisted of “four coloured spotlights in a tunnel”; when they reached the “North Pole”, her nine-year-old queried “why all the buildings had holes in them” and looked like they’d been repeatedly shot at. “Was it worth it? I can certainly say it was not!” came the unforgiving assessment.
Then there’s the scourge of “rip-off” Christmas markets that pop up across the country like clockwork each December. Manchester seems to have copped particular flack this year, branded “overpriced” by disgruntled shoppers on Tripadvisor. “Utter rubbish, only stalls selling food or drink,” reads one review. “Next to nothing in the way of gifts, definitely save your money and go elsewhere.” Another commented that it was “the perfect place to go if you’ve recently come into a large inheritance and it’s burning a hole in your pocket” – proving that at least we haven’t lost our sense of humour in all of this.
Christmas aside, the UK’s track record when it comes to novelty “experiences” in general is objectively crap. Remember the infamous Willy Wonka experience in Glasgow earlier this year, so manifestly terrible that it went viral and garnered worldwide attention? More than 800 people had to be refunded and the event, advertised as “immersive” and “enchanting”, shut down early after families bemoaned the “disorganised mini-maze of randomly placed oversized props, lacklustre candy station that dispersed one jelly bean per child, and a terrifying chrome-masked character that scared many kids to tears”.
My point is this: why do we keep making the same mistake? Why do we keep expecting more when this is evidently an area where acute disappointment is all but assured? Insanity, the popular saying runs, is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you still opt to attend a hellscape of a festive excursion this year, go in with your eyes wide open, lower those expectations – and, if you’re still disappointed, I regret to inform you that you’ve only got yourself to blame.
