My husband and I moved recently from a big city to his hometown. The only friends we have here are his two best friends from childhood, with whom he has remained close in the decade since he moved away, and their significant others. This weekend, we saw on Instagram that both couples posted photos from a fun weekend trip they took as a foursome. My husband was very hurt that he was not invited, and I was offended, too. We will be celebrating one of their birthdays next weekend, and I want to tell them that we would have loved to come along on their weekend trip. My husband thinks that would be obtuse. Your thoughts?
WIFE
I wish there were a different word for self-centeredness — one that had fewer negative connotations and that underscored the hurt that often causes it. Because that’s what I think is animating you and your husband here. I get your predicament: You and your husband feel fragile and lonely after moving to a new town where you know very few people. I suspect that many people who have made similar moves will understand your feelings.
At the same time, you must see that your husband’s two friends are not required to handcuff themselves to you 24/7. They will make plans with each other, and with other people, in which you will not be included. In the decade your husband was away, it’s only natural that they and their significant others have forged relationships that have nothing to do with him (or you). So, while your hurt feelings make sense, you were not wronged here.
The solution to this problem, I think, is broadening your own lives — not trying to cajole your friends into narrowing theirs. Unfortunately, this project takes time. But if you explore your natural interests — sports, the arts, adult education classes — you will eventually meet new people with whom you are simpatico and will become less dependent on your husband’s childhood friends. I wouldn’t say anything to them about their weekend getaway.
Forgive Me! (Now and on My Terms, Ideally.)
Every Christmas, I make my children, 10 and 12, memory albums using photos I have taken during the year. This year, I accidentally left out my mother from the albums. All the other grandparents are there. It was an honest mistake. My mother, who is prone to jealousy, called me distraught about her exclusion. I apologized immediately, but when she kept crying, I got furious! I couldn’t make this right, and she was only making me feel worse. I called her “mean” and “miserable,” and she hung up on me. She is now giving me the silent treatment. Should I cave to her immature behavior and call her?
DAUGHTER
I do not underestimate the stress of the holidays on the parents of young children. And I know nothing about your relationship with your mother. But when an apology devolves into nasty name-calling because the person to whom we are apologizing starts to cry, something is wrong. Your anger is close to the surface here.
I disagree that you can’t fix this problem: Revise the memory albums by adding a few pictures of your mother. And when you feel in control enough to have a civil conversation with her — even if she starts to cry again — then, yes, I think you should call to apologize for the name-calling and to tell her about the new albums.
Here’s Our Registry: You’re Welcome!
My partner and I are in our early 30s. We have been together for 10 years, but we are not married. We own a home together, and we are about to close on a modest lakefront cottage. I would like to create a registry of little things we could use at the cottage for when we host our camp-warming party. Our friends and family haven’t gotten to celebrate us in the conventional way that we celebrated so many of their weddings and housewarmings. It may be fun for them! But my partner thinks this is tacky: asking people to help us furnish our second home when times are tough. Advice?
PARTNER
I suspect — and I suspect you know, too — that no one is losing sleep over not celebrating you with a gift. You have not said outright that you want your friends to reciprocate your past gifts; you suggest it would be fun for them, which strikes me as disingenuous. If your planned housewarming party at the cottage includes a nice dinner — and maybe a dance floor — then revisit the gift registry, if you like. But I tend to agree with your partner: Be grateful for your good fortune and let your guests celebrate you as they choose.
My Deepest Condolences, [First Name Here]
My husband passed away recently. I was surprised at how quickly my nieces and nephews responded with their condolences. Later, after rereading the notes, I noticed that many of them used identical flowery phrases and structures. I suspect they used A.I. to express their sympathy — which strikes me as insincere. Your thoughts?
AUNT
I am a writer. So, I sweat condolence notes and most other correspondence. But that doesn’t mean I feel losses any more deeply than people who send greeting cards or texts or notes written with the help of A.I. Not everyone writes well. Whenever we can avoid diminishing a kindness — even if it’s not in precisely the form we prefer — take the opportunity.
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