Dear Haya,
I’m writing to understand how to ensure care and compassion towards my mom who is currently experiencing menopause. Growing up, I’ve seen my mother very jolly with people, not caring much about what people would say and think. But ever since she began experiencing the symptoms of menopause, I have noticed changes in her behaviour.
Now, she can get extremely emotional and sensitive about the most trivial matters. She tends to get very easily irritable when other members of my family and I talk about something which then turns into a heated argument with her. Being her daughter, I understand the emotional and physical changes she is going through, but it sometimes gets very difficult to calm her down.
Would you please help me understand how to better communicate with her given that she is experiencing one of the most difficult phases of her life?
— A concerned daughter
Dear concerned daughter,
It’s so warming to see the concern you have for your mother and you reaching out to understand how to support her during this phase of her life. This shows deep care and compassion on your part, and that’s already a strong foundation for helping her.
Menopause brings a lot of emotional, physical, and mental changes, which can be tough for both the person going through it and their loved ones. It is more than just what you can see on the outside; there are many internal changes happening that aren’t visible to the eye. It also represents the loss of youth, a shift in identity, and adjusting to a new reality, all of which takes time to process.
Here are some things you can consider:
1. Educate yourself about menopause: Understanding what menopause entails — its symptoms, both physical and emotional — can aid you in deepening your understanding of her experiences. Hormonal changes can lead to mood swings, irritability, and heightened sensitivity. Knowing that these are natural, though challenging, aspects of menopause might help you approach her behaviour with more patience.
2. Practice empathy, validation and communication: When you find her being irritable and otherwise, practice empathising with her (which you already doing). Hold space for her. Let her know that you notice the emotional and physical changes she is going through, her changes in mood/behaviour (irritability) and that it’s hard. Let her know that you’re there for her and give her the reassurance she needs.
Perhaps you could communicate by saying, “Mom, I know and notice all the emotional and physical changes you are going through, I know it’s hard and I wanna let you know that I’m here for you” or “Mom, I know and notice all the emotional and physical changes you are going through. I know it’s hard and things are easily irritating you and it really worries me to see you so upset. Is there anything we/I can do as a family to support you better?”
You could also educate her on what she is going through and what she needs to expect.
3. Avoid responding when triggered and about topics that trigger her for some time: Notice what really upsets her and avoid talking about those things with her during her process of transitioning. I would also recommend to not speak to her when triggered, sometimes the best thing to do when someone is heated is to let them be, give them space and come back to it later.
4. Choose calm moments for conversations: Instead of addressing sensitive issues during or immediately after an argument, wait for a calmer moment when she’s more receptive.
5. Set boundaries respectfully: If a situation becomes too heated, it’s okay to gently step away. You might say, “I think we’re both feeling upset right now. Let’s take a break and talk about this later when we’re calmer.” Or you can create a boundary via your behaviour by stepping away from the environment and coming back to it later. This shows respect for both her emotions and your own, while avoiding unnecessary escalation.
6. Encourage self-care: Menopause can be exhausting and self-care often falls by the wayside. You might gently encourage her to prioritise activities that help her relax or feel good about herself, such as yoga, walking, or even chatting with friends, or even accompanying her or starting an activity together.
7. Be patient with yourself too: Supporting someone going through a difficult time can be draining. Remember, you’re human, and it’s okay to feel frustrated or overwhelmed. And remember, this is a transition for you too. You are experiencing a new side of your mother, which involves grieving the old one and coming to terms with a new reality. While you take care of her, don’t forget to take care of your own emotional needs which will also enable you to be a better support for your mother.
Goodluck!
Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
Send her your questions to [email protected]
Note: The advice and opinions above are those of the author and specific to the query. We strongly recommend our readers consult relevant experts or professionals for personalised advice and solutions. The author and Geo.tv do not assume any responsibility for the consequences of actions taken based on the information provided herein. All published pieces are subject to editing to enhance grammar and clarity.