News presenter Andrea Byrne has said she feared her husband would be “better off” without her during the couple’s seven-year experience of infertility.
Byrne, 45, who is married to former Wales rugby international Lee Byrne, 44, has presented Welsh and network news for ITV since 2008.
“You feel so guilty,” recalled Byrne, who was told by doctors that she would likely never be able to carry her own pregnancy.
“I remember those feelings all the time of thinking [Lee] would be better off without me.”
The couple welcomed their daughter Jemima, who “defied science” by being conceived naturally, in 2019.
“I feel very conscious when I’m telling my story, that maybe it’s easier to tell because we did get the ending that we had,” said Byrne.
“But I still feel it’s important to talk about, because I know how lonely we were during that journey.”
After getting married on New Year’s Day in 2012, Byrne said she and her husband began trying to get pregnant straight away.
“We were both at the start of our 30s,” she said. “I didn’t have any reason to think there would be issues.”
After a while, they went to a fertility clinic for tests.
An ultrasound revealed an issue with the thickness of Byrne’s womb lining, which she described in her new book Desperate Rants and Magic Pants as an “unfixable rare genetic defect”.
“It’s the kind of news that you don’t expect to hear,” Byrne told the BBC.
Years of intrusive tests and procedures followed, including multiple rounds of IVF.
“To be honest, the number of cycles, I couldn’t even tell you,” she said.
“We also tried lots of different things on top of the IVF, things that we were advised might work from different specialists.
“We also had some positive pregnancy tests and thought we were pregnant, but unfortunately we had losses as well.
“So it was a real rollercoaster of emotion.”
‘Just go and find somebody else’
Byrne said the years of trying to conceive also took a toll on her relationship with her husband.
“I like to think that we’re really strong because of it, but boy, at the time it’s really difficult,” she said.
“There are times when we wondered how we would stay together,” added Byrne, “because it’s so difficult emotionally”.
“I remember I used to say to Lee, and he used to get quite cross with me, because I used to say ‘oh just go and find somebody else, somebody else could do this more easily, just go and find another woman’.
“And he would say to me ‘goodness, we are in this together’.”
Doctors eventually told the couple their only hope was surrogacy and, in 2018, they began exploring the possibility of finding a surrogate in the USA.
In her book, Byrne describes finding out just minutes before she was due to present the evening news that none of the embryos they hoped to use for a surrogate were viable.
She wrote: “I look at my tear-streaked reflection in the mirror, patch up the damaged foundation, breathe deeply, walk out of the dressing room, put on a smile and walk through a busy newsroom, and on to the set.”
Byrne said that moment felt like the end of the road.
“We had a conversation after that news and decided we’d move on and build another life together,” she said.
“I get really emotional about it, because I felt so guilty about not being able to do what every other woman could do.”
But just a few months later, against all the odds, Byrne fell pregnant naturally.
“Amazingly, we fell pregnant again, and this time it was Jemima. It was unbelievable really,” said Byrne.
“We were without hope and they said the chances are you will never be able to carry your own pregnancy.
“So she [Jemima] really did defy everybody, all the medical advice we’d been given, she came along and said ‘nope, I’m going to make it through’.”
Byrne, who also hosts the Making Babies fertility podcast, said writing her book was “emotional” and “in a way cathartic”.
“I know it’s a bit of a cliched word but it does provide a little bit of closure too, I guess,” she said.
The book includes chapters reflecting the fertility experiences of a number of other celebrities who have appeared on Byrne’s podcast, including presenter Gabby Logan and comedian Geoff Norcott.
“I look at Jemima every single day and I’m just so grateful,” said Byrne.
“I’m glad that I am able, hopefully, to use my platform to hopefully have a positive effect and maybe help other people feel less isolated.”
Asked if she had any advice for others experiencing infertility, Byrne said she wished she had been kinder to herself.
“I think it’s very easy when you get some bad news about a cycle, or you’re having a bad time dealing with it, that you catastrophise and think 10 steps ahead,” she said.
“And before you know it you’ve written off any chance of anything, which is very easy to do because it feels so hopeless.
“Nobody knows what’s going to happen 10 steps down the road, so just try and deal with what’s happening in that moment. I wish I’d done that more.
“And also been a bit kinder to ourselves, and yourself in the process. Take that time to find little bits of joy where you can and take time out if you need to from it.
“Because it can be all consuming, friendships-wise, family-wise, it affects everything. So you really need to be kind to yourself.”
If you have been affected by the issues in this article, information and support about infertility is available via BBC Action Line.
Desperate Rants and Magic Pants – Our Fertility Story by Andrea Byrne, published by Y Lolfa, was released on 9 October.